Nothing Much...

I guess I dont really have a lot of things to talk about. I decided to try and write here as often as I can and use this as the "blog" I am too lazy to start. If you don't like reading boring ramblings...skip this thread I guess

First of all, things in my life are the same and different. They are the same in that I am still in the same rut I have been in. My situation is not awful, but it's not great either. It's sort of "middle class" I guess- lots of room to go up and plenty of room to go down as well, thus making decisions hard. I don't have it bad, I really don't. I just crave the feeling of ebing with a person who really loves me in a way I can relate to. My other half loves me, I'm sure of this. But this love is not love I relate to. I relate to being in a physical relati0onship when I love a person. I don't relate to a non-physical one where caring is just things like providing for someone, cooking for them, etc. Don't get me wrong- I do appreciate all that is done for me. If I didn't- things would be easy- I would leave. But I do appreciate things. I also really miss touch. I wish things were more clear to me.

So another touchless day. Its amazing- I thought I had felt as lonely as I could while still living with another person- but I have reached a new low. Tonight something had to be dealt with- no details- just something very important - my other half just is not supportive I don't feel. This situation is a lifelong thing- it will be a responsibility- but it is what it is. My other half just seems to think the advice we got was not right. Now w/out any other experience here- I have to rely on the opinion we received. My OH just saying I don't agree is no help!
I HATE when he says I don't agree and then just stops. You can't just go half way- say something isn't good or right or whatever- and then not contribute to the solution. This bugs me to no end!

I hope tomorrow improves. Today has seemed overwhelming from the very start. Waking up was like poking my head into a cave and then coming face to face with a bear. Makes you want to go back to bed or just run away. NOw I have run away before and the sad truth is whatever demons you run from are still waiting for you to come back. They are very patient too. They can outwait you. So I know in theory running is not good...but sometimes it seems like a nice idea.

Now knowing this won't be a solution, I have to decide what will be. Moving on? Changing careers? More shrink sessions? Drink more? LOL

It's like my life needs a diet. I need to lose 100 pounds of stress and life shit I guess. But in reality- I have to get my shit together. I have to make things make sense. I need to figure out what I want and also what I need. Maybe here is where I have failed myself. Maybe what I need is overlooked. I don't need to shop. I do need to be loved. I don't need a new car.I do need to be touched. I don't need a fancy house...I do need to be liked. I don't need alot of things, but I do need a person who sees me for what I am and likes me despite some of what they see.

I also realized I think I drink to numb my loneliness...not original I know...but valid...

I had another euphony...I have been dealing with something and for valid reasons- no fault of his- my SO (or roommate) has not been in a position to help. The important thing here is that by myself- I have been dealing with a really hard situation and I think I am ok doing it. I am very upset about the situation- but suprised I am handling it on my own. I have support of friends and family of course- but one reason I stay in a non- satisfying situation is because I am afraid to be alone emotionally...and that's where I am now...in a situation where only a small portion of my needs are being met...and I think maybe w/ friends and family I can manage on my won...so maybe that's one more reason not to stay.

I read something tonight in a book- yes a trashy romance novel- about a woman being made to feel inadequate by her other half due to his own inadequacies. I am not sure if this applies to me- but I do know that it is not normal for a person to not be touched for over a year while in a live in relationship! No kissing in over 3 years. I could tell you more- but I wont go into that much detail...This is not a normal thing. Yet why do I stay? Am I so afraid of being alone- or so insecure- or so .....what???? I just don't know what...but so whatever that I stay and accept so little. Its like going in to the gas station and asking for a fill up- paying $60 for it- and getting $20 in gas and saying well thats ok...I'll take whatever you want to give me....

So no new exciting ideas on what to do...I just realize that if I keep waiting for "the right time" or "the right situation" or "the right guy"....I'm going to be a very old lady and still be where I am today! I had an amazing thought the other day( well just to me)...I realized I didn't NEED permission to make a change in my life. I understand this...now I just have to put that into play. I dont have to get the ok to do things...or make changes...or move on...I can decide. Maybe that is where I have gone wrong...maybe I am waiting for the ok sign to flash someplace to tell me what I want is the right thing...

I have a chance to make a change and yet I hesitate. Why?

I first thought maybe I'm just afraid...making big changes is scary.
Then I thought maybe I dont really want to change things as much as I think I do.

Then I realized...I am hesitant to change because I cannot see myself in a different place. It has been so long since I have been in a situation where I am getting what I want, that I can no longer imagine it. I can't imagine being cared about and loved in the way I want. I used to have a comparison...but it's been so long...it's gone from my memory.

So hard to know what is right- when to do it- how to do it- etc. No wonder I stick my nose in a book and live vicariously thru characters I read about. Sad...but true.

Carpe diem.

Do you think one can ever go so long without affection and love that one can no longer accept it from anyone? Like an apple...it sits too long and it just simply rots!

It's been a long time since I have posted. The site seems pretty quiet- we need more people.
Anyway, I am back and yet my story is the same- sadly. I wish I had better news to report- but alas- I don't. Still status quo.

I am making a serious effort to get in better shape though. I feel as if I sit and wait for my life to begin again- as if this relationship has been a very long intermission and hopefully the fun part of the play will start up again soon. We all know though that there is no intermission in life. This is my life- to make something of it or not- its up to me. I guess I had better give myself a serious kick in the ass to do something and make my life one I am happy to have. If my life was over tomorrow- I wont be able to say I did my best to lead a happy and fulfilled life- so hopefully I can make this change.

Do you ever wonder how you got to where you are today? I do. I am still not the me I want to be. But thats my fault. I let myself be sidetracked by relationships etc. I also realized the other day that I really do make bad choices. Each time I have come to an important v in the road- I have taken the road least likely to end up in a happy relationship. I realized the other day as I was moping about the guy I feel was the really special one in my life so far- he tried to see me three times after we broke up. Each time I said no. I wanted to be thinnier etc. I dont know what I was thinking- he wasn't going to wait for me to come to my senses- three times was chance enough- and he moved on and I didnt I guess. I have to see I have choices- I just make the wrong ones.