I don't love him anymore...

...but here I am, sitting and trying to deal with the crap. It's so frustrating. There isn't an ounce of me that would care if he walked out that door tomorrow and didn't come back...though I could never get that lucky.

He just called out my name and I cringed and now I have to go see what he wants and it's probably something stupid...something that does not matter to me...something that will make me hate him more.

This has to end.

RT- it does seem by what you say that there is only one option- it will be a tough thing to do- but it seems it must happen if it is that bad- unless of course you think you can make things change somehow.

Oh- and they only leave if you don't want them to

That's what I was afraid of...that I'll be stuck forever. I guess I am just going to have to find the courage to leave. It's just so hard though...especially with our offspring involved.

They say nothing worth having is easy- this applies to freedom too I guess.

Hmmm...points to ponder...

Its not an easy situation, but think of it like getting your eyebrows waxed- it really hurts and then its all better and worth it

Okay, but that is only 15 seconds...divorce is WAYYYYYY longer...

Can I get a drive-thru divorce with my fries?

Divorce is wayyyyyyyyy longer, true- but imagine how happy you might be afterwards?

You can only do 2 things- one: get a divorce or two: figure out how to make it ok and stay. Thats the black and white of it.

Tonight, I'm leaning towards divorce...and here's the weird thing...the spousal unit has done NOTHING out of the ordinary to make me hate him anymore (or any less)...I just feel like there's nothing worthwhile going on here. My God, I just don't know how to do it. I don't know how to leave. How do you say, "it's over" after being with the same person for 17 years. It's killing me to stay but it's so hard to walk away...

There are days when I wake up and I just want to be alone...days when I want no one near me. Is it odd that I find comfort in being by myself? I am so many things to so many different people...mother, wife, sister, granddaughter, cousin, niece, daughter-in-law...I just want everyone to go away for five minutes so I can be me, Runaway Train. I don't fear loneliness, rather I welcome it. Does that make me a bad mother? A bad person?

(insert beverage #2 of the evening..I will not be responsible for anything that comes out after this drink)

I mean, have you ever found yourself in the middle of fucking your partner and thought, "I feel nothing" -- and I'm talking both physically and mentally. I look at him sometimes and I wonder how it happened. I wonder why. I question ever ounce of our relationship. Up. Down. In. Out. Scripted sex. Feelingless marriage.

Just Go Away.

I find happiness in everything that is not related to him.

He's not a bad person. He is a stupendous father. My children are VERY lucky. Everyone thinks he's wonderful. If I leave him, 'they' will say I'm crazy.

And then I have to live with something I have NEVER felt in my entire life...GUILT.

No reason to feel guilty. I guess we just cannot help it when the spark dies.

And train- I do know what you mean- the other day I realized I felt nothing for my other half. Maybe a little annoyence- but not much else. No anger- no warmth- no nothing really. I like him- but it isnt more then that right now I don't think. I am not sure if this willchange- but I figured I would agree with you about how it feels...empty sometimes!

Feeling nothing is scary though, isn't it? I mean, even if you are in a relationship with someone and you aren't 'in love' with them, you can usually find SOME emotion toward them...even hate. But nothingness is so lonely and depressing and personal.

I think it is what happens to numb us for the next step.

Gin,
I am currently living your last reponse...and you are SOOOOOOO right.

I say this because, I did it...I told him I want out. I told him about 3 weeks ago that I am not happy. Since then, I have gone through every emotion possible...and so has he. We're both dealing with this and though he told me I am breaking his heart, I still just want out. This is such a long, slow, difficult process...sometimes I feel like I'm caving in, but then I look at him and I am reminded that I do not love him anymore...that I can't do this any longer.

But, I'm making progress...I'm getting there. I just hope that once I'm there, it's what I wanted.

RT

RT- I feel for you! Don't you wish there was a trial period you could have to see if it IS what you really want? That could be in the contract right after the "re-up" option!!