It's almost my anniversary...

of one year with no sex! Imagine that. My other half has never had a big interest in sex- so I sort of left things alone- to see what would happen- and I found out...NOTHING happens!

Gin- are you ok with this? I see things like this and I wonder- what is happening? Does your other half care about this...does he not like sex...is he gay...is he having an affair? Any ideas?

I think it is amazing how many of us in the world stay in situations we would not otherwise stay in if not for money. I know some will argue- but I think money is a huge factor...anyone care to comment?

Of course it's not ok with me...but it's not like I have had a choice here. Over the year I have tried everything I could think of- I was a very open and fun person when I met this person- sex was something you did for fun- not a once a year thing if you needed it or not- and now I cannot even imagine having sex again. The thought of heading out again and having to meet a new person- and go through the awkwardness is daunting- but also somewhat exciting. I wonder if you can forget how to kiss...and other things- or is it really like riding a bike?

Gin- i think it will come back to you when the time comes. Probably not a bad idea though to take something from your name and have a gin (or 2) to help ease the awkardness! Oh...and buy some condoms so you are ready. It's best not to be caught off guard without them- just in case something comes up you didn't expect.

Got a vibrator?

Or two?

It's all so difficult.

No- I think by the time one might even come in the mail I will have gotten the boot. No goodnight tonight- not even a verbal one. It went from a "when are you coming to bed"...to a "you sleep in the spare room cause you wake me when you come to bed"...to a good night peck when he went to bed...to a verbal goodnight when he went to bed...and now- to nothing but the sound of a door closing....hmmm..."you've come a long way Baby!"

So today he acted like it was all fine. I tried to talk about the issues we had over the weekend and nothing going there. All I can think of is how hard it all is. I have never been in quite this situation. Normally I feel one way or another about something and not so on the fence. My idea for a great solution does not seem like it will happen- so I'm left with the alternative plans...and I'm not 100% sure of them. On one hand- I know what I have and though some of it is bad- a lot is good- but on the other hand- on the personal level- it is severely lacking. I cannot even imagine what it would be like to be with a person that was affectionate towards me again. It's been so long. I just wish my mind was more clear...I am so torn.

So today I was told "I hate you" for silly reasons that I wont share...but the ease with which he says he hates me is interesting.
Watching Sex and the City makes me cry...anyone else have this problem? It makes me so how much I am missing in my relationship.

This is turning into my own personal complaint section...oh well...I'll take advantge of the opportunity to complain to myself...maybe it will make me feel better.

Things have not changed. Still no sex...no hugs...no kisses...no anything really. I have not heard "I hate you" though this week...so thats an improvement I guess.

I still wish I had an idea of what I wanted. I have always before had a more clear picture of what I wanted- now I don't. What an odd thing. Sort of like being in limbo. So many people seem unhappy in their relationships that I know. It's like an epidemic. Why is this? Are we setting our sights too high and we can not achieve our goals...or are we setting them too low and settling with people we should not settle with?